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I didn't realize it could still feel like this...

Knowing I still have no control...

a disagreement can still crash me

a fight can still pull me in

a slow and towering spiral


My heart pounds knowing this affects me more than you

Knowing you don't care if we continue

or knowing you can laugh

the same way you used to

I wasn't drinking before...

But I am now

6 days nicotine free

back to 6 minutes

I don't quite understand it

I'm always overthinking

and that's probably what this is.

Feeling the world needs its own label

Some type of caution.

One thing can eat you alive

and the emotions can swallow you whole.

You were the only person I knew for years at this point

My lifeline

But thinking about it I wasn't that for you

and maybe that's why it feels different.

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Some days you wanna be better

and some days y

ou just want to get through the best way you know how...

And some days you would just rather not feel anything at all...

but the rush of adrenaline

of all of those behaviors...

They understand you.

They get you.

Better than anyone.

They know how to make it all better.

In one decision.

Then Multiple decisions.

You're constantly on the edge of self-improvement or fuck


between what is new and what is familiar.

doing what is comfortable so you don't have to think about it anymore.

Obsess over it.

Shaming yourself for falling back into those old patterns.

Then hating yourself for it.

I don't want to lose myself in theory...

but I know I'm losing myself in time.

ya know.

There's no such thing as changing...

You just make different decisions... better decisions

and over time you hope... that they outweigh the previous ones.

The bad ones

One day at a time.

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There's a lot to unpack in the dark.

Almost paralyzing to think about how many things can run through your mind at once.

At night everything has a chance to settle

and that's when everything truly starts to come to the surface.

Conversations that I hear in the dark.

Lusts, passions, regrets... lies that change when the sun goes down to when the sun comes up.

Completely different than thoughts and conversations in the morning.

That's why I like the dark.

You can grasp all intentions.

No matter how daunting, or how left your mind might go, all the answers are there.

It's all there.

What do you think about?

What haunts you during the dusk?

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